Selfish
by Mononoke-hime x sukai kurora
Summary: For a very brief moment, Uryū allows himself to feel selfish.


_Selfish_

For a moment, Uryū allows himself to feel selfish. He had seen Inoue- _san_ with Kurosaki. His eyes could see of how the young woman would brighten and simmer with happiness at the sight of him. His throat tightened as the young Quincy saw of how Inoue- _san_ embraced an awkward Kurosaki, his feelings oblivious to the happy young woman. The two had just arrived from Huece Mundo, where Inoue- _san_ had healed his wounds. Uryū could still feel her gentle touch, almost unnoticeable as his hand regained its bones, its ligaments, and tissues regrew. He could see her gray eyes now, large and drowning with grief, apologizing profusely. _"Gomen nasai Ishida-kun. Gomen nasai."_ Her voice had trembled and her tears almost pelted onto his face as she looked at him through hooded eyes. Her entire form was shaking, and her words were almost inaudible to his ears. _"Watashi wa…"_

 _There is nothing you need to be sorry for, Inoue-_ san _._ Uryū had thought this over and over as young woman with hair similar to autumn leaves started sobbing and repeated _"gomen nasai"_ like a mantra. _Nothing._ But he knew that the young healer would not listen to him. Inoue- _san_ placed too much blame on herself. As Inoue- _san_ healed the gaping wound in his stomach, the blood withering away and the wound closing, Uryū wondered for a very brief moment if the young woman's tears were for him…or for Kurosaki. The young Quincy inwardly chastised himself for such thoughts, as Inoue- _san_ was his companion and he would never…

 _Envy._ That was what Uryū was facing now as he watched Inoue- _san_ untangle herself from Kurosaki and started talking to him animatedly. She didn't appear to notice of how the orange-haired ex-Shinigami was distant, not even emotion in his eyes as Inoue- _san_ spoke to him. _He misses Kuchiki-san,_ Uryū thought knowingly. For a moment he felt a rueful smile appearing on his face before it faded. He had seen the most gentle look and unguarded expression on Kurosaki's face when he had said goodbye to the dark-haired Shinigami. _The look…was more than fondness. More than love._ Although Kurosaki was not aware of his feelings towards Kuchiki- _san_ , Uryū could see the signs.

For he was in love himself. He had almost forgotten himself and went alone to Huece Mundo to rescue Inoue- _san_ without any thought to the consequences. He didn't think of the enemies he might face, or the fact that had only recently regained his Quincy abilities. All that mattered to him was that she was hurting, somewhere, in Huece Mundo. Uryū would know better than to doubt her. He knew her. _She was taken by force, or threatened. Against everything else, Inoue-_ san _would rather feel very lonely if it meant that her comrades were safe and not in harm's way._ Uryū had meant what he had told Kurosaki when he had started fighting that disgusting Hollow. It had shocked him for a moment that Kurosaki thought that he would have to _tell_ the Quincy to shield Inoue- _san_ with his own body. Then he had stopped. Kurosaki was unaware of his feelings, like the young woman whose feelings were aimed toward. Uryū would shield Inoue- _san_. Without a second thought, the Quincy would protect her from danger – or anything. Forget his Quincy pride. Forget his cold father. All that would matter to him was that she was safe.

Uryū almost shook with rage when Inoue- _san_ explained to him of what happened in the battle with the other blue-haired Espada. _"Kurosaki-kun fought him,"_ the female teen whispered. Even now despite a month had passed since their conversation, Uryū still felt rage shake inside him. _Kurosaki…how could you? "He said…that he came to rescue me…but that Espada said that he only came into fight because otherwise why hadn't he run away with me when he found me?"_ Inoue- _san_ was speaking quickly now, smiling with a faint quiver to her limbs as Uryū inwardly burned and Kuchiki- _san_ sat across from them, silent and solemn as Inoue- _san_ smiled again and spoke more. _You're…lying to yourself, Inoue-_ san, Uryū thought as he withdrew within himself, the soft voice who often invaded his dreams deaf to his bleeding ears. _That Espada was right… Kurosaki wasn't thinking about you. He was..._ Rage built up inside him, and Uryū bit his lip and tried hard not to clench his fist and lose his control. _He was only there to beat that Espada. And I suspect…_ Now his bespectacled gaze lied on Kuchiki- _san_ , who met his gaze but said nothing. _That he wanted to avenge Kuchiki-_ san _. "Kurosaki-kun did protect me though. He carried me with his arms and rescued me from the other Espada."_ Suddenly Uryū couldn't take it anymore. He had left the room and was almost about to leave the house when he heard a voice.

 _"I know you have feelings for Inoue-_ san _."_ Kuchiki- _san_ had closed the door softly behind her, and her dark eyes bored into Uryū's own blue. _"Do you blame me?"_ she suddenly asked.

Uryū didn't reply for a moment. _"No,"_ he had stated sincerely. The Quincy didn't blame Kuchiki- _san_ or Inoue- _san_. He blamed the man lying unconscious in his room. _Kurosaki…_ The young man didn't note that his hand was slowly starting to bleed. He had left shortly after, Uryū pondering in the dark winter night. His rage had dissipated, although it was still there. Uryū wondered, as he walked into the cold night, if Inoue- _san_ would finally see him. Would she see of how he looked at her, the same way as Kurosaki looked at Kuchiki- _san_? But he knew. Uryū understood that Inoue- _san_ 's feelings were unlikely to change. _I…_ Uryū had never felt such rage before. It was comparable to his rage against the Shinigami for allowing his grandfather and _sensei_ to die, but the young man hadn't felt such anger directed at a single person before. _He should have run away the moment he found her. He should have escaped with her…for that…_ Uryū stood firm even as a bout of pain seared through him.

 _Is what I would have done._ He thought about what he had said to that red-haired Shinigami, Arabai. _It_ is _what I did. And yet…_ He gritted his teeth as more pain flowed through his veins and as blood leaked from his hand. _Is battle truly what matters to you the most, Kurosaki? Or can you not stand the thought of Kuchiki-_ san _hurt and want to kill them for hurting her?_ Uryū sighed, fatigue numbing his limbs as he stared at the lone pale moon. _I truly care for Inoue-_ san _. I still remember of her shoulder against mine when I saved her from Mayuri. I still remember her smiles when she sees Kurosaki and how I wish…_

 _I wonder,_ Uryū thought as he stared sullenly at the sky, _what it would be like if her smiles were for me?_

Uryū did not blame Inoue- _san_ for her feelings for Kurosaki. He quickly realized, in the minutes as he and Inoue- _san_ watched Kurosaki battle Byakuya, that no one can choose who they fall in love with. They have no control over it. _"If you lose, Kurosaki…I will never forgive you."_ He watched as Inoue- _san_ greeted him with a smile as they walked to their class, Kurosaki behind them. For a brief moment, Uryū allowed himself to feel selfish. It was not fair. Inoue- _san_ was beyond his grasp, and he could do nothing as she felt love for a man who was in love with someone else. He wondered what it would be like if she had said his name in the same manner as Kurosaki's, with the same sweetness and joy. Her eyes more beautiful than the stars. _It is not fair that she does not see my love for her, and that she doesn't understand…of how it difficult to see her with him without giving a glance at me._

 _She would be loved…but I cannot change anything._

Uryū allowed himself a small bitter smile as the thoughts continued. _How good it would feel if I could hear her say my name against her lips. "Uryū…"_

"Ishida- _kun_?" Uryū blinked and saw Inoue- _san_ looking at him in concern and confusion. "Is something wrong?"

 _"Iie,_ Inoue _-san,"_ Uryū easily lied. He wondered if she could see the slight pain in his lips as he spoke. _"Nanimonai."_

 _I am…happy you are safe, Inoue-_ san. As he watched her go into their classroom, humming a tune, something tore inside Uryū.

He didn't know that he was crying until he brushed his finger against his glasses.


End file.
